Zeo's Thoughts and Wanderings

And once again, I'm missing meeting today. I actually got as far as getting dressed and getting my shoes on before I just couldn't follow through.

I don't know why I've had such trouble these past few months. I'll be perfectly fine, and then either I'll get nauseated, or crampy, or just plain overheating, my mind will set off, and I just won't want to go.

And it gets compounded. I miss one meeting because of a legitimate illness. Then I know at the next one, someone will comment, "Oh, we missed you last time." And I hate that. I don't want to be noticed, and since I know someone will notice, I won't want to go. And then that just raises exponentially with every meeting I miss. I won't want to go because someone will comment, but that just means it'll be worse at the next one.

In general, I LIKE meetings. I like the talks, I like the studies, I like hearing the comments. But I just don't want to be noticed. I want to have a giant "Don't Touch Me, Don't Talk To Me" sign.

Witnesses, especially the sisters, are huggers. It's a way they show the familial love we feel in the congregation. I wasn't raised in a hugging family. I feel uncomfortable with hugs. I never know when to initiate them, and just sort of go stiffly through them when someone else initiates. But when I've been gone a while, I don't want to be hugged.

I scared myself today. I actually thought, "I almost wish I was disfellowshipped, because then no one WOULD talk to me or touch me." But it didn't scare me enough to get me off the toilet and on to meeting.

I don't like feeling this way. I know I have to go to meeting. Hebrews 10:24-25 says "And let us consider one another to incite to love and fine works, not forsaking the gathering of ourselves together, as some have the custom, but encouraging one another, and all the more so as YOU behold the day drawing near." Yet no matter how often I repeat that, I just can't seem to gather myself together and get to the Hall.

I keep saying, "I'll make the next one." But when the time comes, either I'm tired, or upset, or just plain not wanting to leave the house. I don't know if this is the gluten allergy acting up, or something else. Something more serious. I didn't like the antidepressants I was on; they made me woozy and not much less depressed. But I know I need to see a doctor soon for other reasons. Maybe once I get my body straightened out, the mind will follow.

The bread mix I bought worked well (Gluten-Free Pantry's Favorite Sandwich Bread, www.glutenfree.com), and the ingredients were mostly the same as in the recipe I had, so I'm thinking my yeast may be dead. I'm going to get a small jar of bread machine yeast on Thursday, and try the recipe again.

I'm supposed to go to Curves this morning, but I woke up feeling totally drained, so I may put it off til tomorrow. I think I'm going to make cookies instead. Found a GF chocolate chip recipe that looks promising, and I've been craving sweets since Sunday (psychological much? Can't have wheat, wake seriously craving donuts).

Matt and I made a resolution Sunday to not miss meetings anymore. We proved to ourselves last week that we CAN get to meetings. Now we just have to. Sure enough, though, the world is putting stumbling blocks in our way. Last night at work, my closer was sent home almost as soon as she got there (which in itself is foreboding, but I digress). Right now, my department has three people. One is a dedicated opener, because she has a second job in the evenings. One is my desktop publisher, who was sent home last night. The third is me. Now, it says in my file that I am NOT AVAILABLE Tuesday and Thursday nights. This is a non-negotiable. Remember a few weeks back when my closer called off and I couldn't find anyone to come in? Yeah. I knew this wasn't going to go well. Luckily, we had help from another store agree to stay until 8:30 or 9, as long as she left right at nine. It was 5:30 by the time I left, 6:30 by the time I got home. Meeting's at 7:30. We made it by the skin of our teeth. But we made it.

Now I just need to find a closer for next Wednesday, as the Tuesday meeting's moved to Wednesday next week because of the circuit overseer visiting another congregation in the hall. But I'm working on it. Other than that, the schedule's falling into place, and I can even give the two girls 2 days off in a row. Can't give MYSELF two days in a row yet, though. :-P Maybe when our new manager can start full-time, when he's done training his replacement at his old store.

Everything just seems pointless, useless. I don't want to go to meetings anymore. What's the point? I know scripture says "do not be forsaking the gathering of yourselves together as some of you are wont to do," or something like that, but I just don't want the bother of getting dressed up and being with people. It's too loud, too crowded, too...not. I miss the small congregation in Columbiana. Thirty publishers. Cary Parkway, the congregation here, has over 100 publishers. So there are are least 100 people at the main meetings at the hall, and like 20 people in the book study. Not small. Painful. I go through stages where I can't stay the whole way through the meeting, it's just too crushing. Too many people, all asking the same questions and not listening to the answers.

Some days I just want to call in, or watch a prerecorded meeting at home. My nature is that of a hermit. I don't like leaving the house and being with people. They all say it's supposed to be uplifting. Not when it's that many people. It's a hardship. A burden. I don't deal well with burdens.

Now I feel bad, because I've flipped out at almost every meeting since my inlaws have come down. I only made it halfway through the first day of assembly (and even that half was rough), didn't even go the second day. I made it through book study, even commenting and volunteering to read verses, but didn't make it Thursday and today. Matt went out this morning, got me Sims 2 Uni and Nightlife. He was going to give them to me after meeting. I saw them on my keyboard when I came out of the bathroom (where I'd shut myself in: Thena refused to come off the closet shelf and that was the breaking point today) and almost started crying. I don't feel like I deserve them, because I've been so horrible all week. So they're sitting on the printer, mocking me.

I want to be normal. I don't want to feel like this, like there are parties at war in my head, trying to destroy my life. I want to get back into my studies, but until I come to grips with myself, they're at a standstill. I want to get help, but I can't afford it, especially now that we're insuranceless again.

Home shock therapy: someone drop a toaster in the tub with me.

I hate my brain, and I'm pretty sure it hates me, too.

I already know the answer to that. I'm pretty sure the answer is yes, and not in a good way.

Today, Matt and I were going to meeting at the Kingdom Hall. I was more or less fine until we stepped out the door to go. Then I started getting anxious, and the closer we got to the Hall, the worse I got. In the parking lot, I couldn't even make myself open the car door. I was paralyzed with fear at the thought of going inside that building. I couldn't do it. I was almost in tears because I was terrified of going inside the Hall. Matt said it was okay, that I could stay in the car. He left the keys. Not even five minutes after he went inside, I had to get away from the building. Climbed over the center console into the driver's seat and tore out of there, coming home.

I'm still shaky and queasy. I know nothing in there will hurt me, that the people there care about me and are concerned about me, but I just could NOT go inside today. It felt so totally wrong today.

They just redecorated, and I'm wondering if that's part of the problem. The Hall doesn't look the same. It feels colder now, with the beige paint instead of the pink/maroon wallpaper.

When I get insurance again (grr on the switching jobs and having to wait three months), I need to see a psychiatrist or a psychologust, someone who can figure out what is wrong with my head and make it better. I don't like living life feeling like River Tam.

I haven't kept up to date on the flood damage, but last night at meeting, we heard some numbers on Kingdom Hall damage in the flood zone. 12 altogether are damaged. 5 are under water, 2 are submerged. The Regional Building Committee is assessing damages, and as soon as they have more info, they'll be sending people down to fix/salvage/rebuild the halls.

Matt's brother in Mobile got through with "minimal damage." Expanded, a piece of debris from his neighbor's yard went through the back window of his car. That's it.

Oh, and last night, after meeting, Matt had full privilages restored. So he can comment, read, offer prayer, join the school again, etc. So, yay! Happy news!

Well, this convention went a lot better than last year. Last year, I think I slept through a lot of it. This year, I only fell asleep during talks once, and only had one psychotic episode, at the beginning of the first day. I even managed to take notes during the first half of day two!

I think next year, though, I'd really like to be able to go up on Thursday, so we don't feel so rushed Friday morning trying to get everything together early and drive the 2.5 hours to get there. It would be nice to get in Thursday night, get settled in the hotel, and be able to sleep in a little on Friday. Or at least, if we get up at the same time, take our time and enjoy breakfast.

We stayed at the Hampton Inn in Winston-Salem, near Hanes Mall. I was quite impressed with Hampton Inn. Microwaves and fridges in the room (made dinner easier, and we could actually have cold drinks to take with us), a hot breakfast bar (they have three or four options in white paper bags that you zap in the microwave downstairs. Our choices Saturday were French toast, sausage gravy biscuits, and something else I don't remember, and Sunday it was the biscuits again, waffles, pancakes, and omlets), wi-fi access, and a really nice king sized bed. It was tough to go back to the waterbed. I always seem to wake up feeling damp from that thing. And clammy.

Heading back to the hotel the first day, we saw a sign for Souper Salad in one of the plazas, so made plans to go there with some other friends Saturday night. Well, we find out after the convention that they decided instead to go to Olive Garden. :-P Well, that was a bit out of our price range (plus Matt doesn't care for OG and I'm trying to reduce carbs...hello, pasta??), so we decided to go to SS ourselves. We get there...and there's a For Lease sign in the window. :( We ended up going to Golden Corral, a decent buffet. I got my veggies, and a good steak, and limited my carbs to one roll (which is tough, they have SUCH good rolls!!), one hushpuppy, and...well, they have really good desserts.... So I was doing well until I hit the dessert table. :-P But buffets are actually good for people dieting, because they control what goes on their plate.

Two new publications were announced at the convention, a new tract and a new book. I'm not going to say anything more about them here, because there are still a lot of conventions to be held, and it's sort of respectful to let people find out about them on their own.

In health news, I'm now in the placebo week on Yasmin. Let's see if I actually get a period or not. I've read accounts of women who don't get one until the second month of Yasmin. On Orthotricyclen, I always got my period on Tuesday or Wednesday of the placebo week.

Oh, and I did't get my Krispy Kreme, but oh well.

Having updated the layout here, now I'm really getting the urge to go update the Castle, at least getting rid of the heavy, oppressive black/white/red color scheme. But I don't know where I left my FrontPage.

In other news, yesterday I stretched at my computer and something in my neck/upper back area went "sproing!" Not a good feeling. Now I have a bad hip and a bad neck/upper back. Makes finding a comfortable position not easy, to say the least. Sigh. My warranty seems to have expired, and I'm only 27! Sort of wish we had the spare cash so I could go to Urgent Care, at least for the hip, since that's a month now it's been wonky.

Reservations are a go! We have a hotel room for convention. Oh, it's going to be nice, not having to get up and on the road at 6 am every day like we did last year. Hotels are always a novelty for me. We never really stayed in them when I was a kid. We always camped or stayed with relatives. I've only been to hotels six times, I think, including our wedding night/honeymoon, and that was a B&B. We lucked out, in that a friend of the sister I study with decided to just go to the ASL convention rather than that one and our convention, too, so she didn't need her room, and we could get it switched over to our name.

Took three Motrin for the neck. Honestly, all the doc at Urgent Care would do for it, probably, would be either give me a prescription for MegaMotrin, or tell me to take three or four regular Motrin at a time.

I don't know if anyone reading this is aware of this, but since August, I've been studying the Bible with Jehovah's Witnesses. My husband is a baptized Witness. I've been attending congretational meetings for about a year now. The first meeting I went to with him was the Memorial of Christ's Death, celebrated on Nicen 14, according to the Jewish calendar. It's also called the Lord's Evening Meal.

Tonight is the Memorial celebration. It's open to the public. If you're interested in going, you can usually contact the local Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses to find out location. Usually starts at 7:30. Passing of the emblems is after sundown.

So this means that I've been attending meetings for a lunar year. I think. I'm almost finished with the personal study book. Then I get to be considered for becoming an unbaptized publisher. That scares me. I know one of the main directives is to spread the Good News of Jehovah's kingdom. But going up to strange people's houses? Brr. At least I can maybe go as an observer for a few outings first, observe how other people witness. I've done some informal witnessing with coworkers and friends, and that was fairly...I don't want to say "easy," but more not-stressing. Talking to strangers is another matter entirely, but that'll come later.

I'm looking forward to tonight. The Memorial is the most important time in the Witness year. That, and we've been invited to a get-together afterwards. Not sure if Matt's going to be up to going, having worked 40 hours in 4 days. Might just go home and sleep. But he has the weekend off. We won't be able to do much, but hey, Sci-Fi Friday finales are this week. We still have salsa, and I might try to fry up some of those nasty low-carb tortillas to make chips. Can do potato chips, too.