New Year, Old Brain

[sailorzeo]

Everything just seems pointless, useless. I don't want to go to meetings anymore. What's the point? I know scripture says "do not be forsaking the gathering of yourselves together as some of you are wont to do," or something like that, but I just don't want the bother of getting dressed up and being with people. It's too loud, too crowded, too...not. I miss the small congregation in Columbiana. Thirty publishers. Cary Parkway, the congregation here, has over 100 publishers. So there are are least 100 people at the main meetings at the hall, and like 20 people in the book study. Not small. Painful. I go through stages where I can't stay the whole way through the meeting, it's just too crushing. Too many people, all asking the same questions and not listening to the answers.

Some days I just want to call in, or watch a prerecorded meeting at home. My nature is that of a hermit. I don't like leaving the house and being with people. They all say it's supposed to be uplifting. Not when it's that many people. It's a hardship. A burden. I don't deal well with burdens.

Now I feel bad, because I've flipped out at almost every meeting since my inlaws have come down. I only made it halfway through the first day of assembly (and even that half was rough), didn't even go the second day. I made it through book study, even commenting and volunteering to read verses, but didn't make it Thursday and today. Matt went out this morning, got me Sims 2 Uni and Nightlife. He was going to give them to me after meeting. I saw them on my keyboard when I came out of the bathroom (where I'd shut myself in: Thena refused to come off the closet shelf and that was the breaking point today) and almost started crying. I don't feel like I deserve them, because I've been so horrible all week. So they're sitting on the printer, mocking me.

I want to be normal. I don't want to feel like this, like there are parties at war in my head, trying to destroy my life. I want to get back into my studies, but until I come to grips with myself, they're at a standstill. I want to get help, but I can't afford it, especially now that we're insuranceless again.

Home shock therapy: someone drop a toaster in the tub with me.

I hate my brain, and I'm pretty sure it hates me, too.

Comments

[stephaniejane2.livejournal.com]

:) hang in there, ok? I don't know what your belief allows as far as counseling or a prescription for social anxeity disorder, but if they are permitted, maybe consider it? or would Matt be ok with finding a meeting with a smaller regular attendance? take care.