sailorzeo: (Default)
I had an episode at meeting Tuesday night, bad enough that I had to leave and sit in the car for the last half-hour. I mentioned this to the sister who studies with me, described it as "It starts as frustration, then builds until I get, well, mean." I basically get agitated and frustrated, can't sit still, and then I get angry at myself for not being able to sit still and it just builds and builds till I start either hitting myself (fists to thighs) or scratching myself or something to cause pain.

She gave me a suggestion. "Try cutting out wheat and wheat gluten for four weeks." Apparently, she gets some of the same agitation and frustration, and that's what a doctor told her. Cutting out wheat and wheat gluten for some reason helps break the cycle before it starts.

So, starting Sunday (because I like starting things on week starts), I'm going to try to cut wheat and wheat gluten out of my diet for a month. I know there are substitutes out there, and I plan to pick up some rice flour, oat flour, etc, and go back to making my own bread. Now I just need to make sure Matt checks labels, since he makes dinner 5 days out of 7 (since he's home at 3 and the earliest I'm ever home is 5:30).
sailorzeo: (thinking)
The voices in my head always turn computer solitare into something else. For the longest time, it was a sort of red-vs-black mafia coverage. All the showing cards had to be one color or another (makes it real tough to win) Tonight, for some reason, it was thick, bad Spanish accents and ballroom dance. Don't ask; if I knew, I'd find a way to stop it.

It's almost like background noise anymore. I'm never really thinking "black ten on red jack." I'm sort of just listening to the absent chatter and hoping something clicks. Yammer yammer yammer no more moves, new game. Have to keep playing until I win. And I very rarely click all the cards up to the top, to get the fireworks. Once I know all the cards are out and in order, boom, I'm done. No need for aimless clicking.

I remember back in the days of Windows 3.0 or earlier, when my aunt was working at the Clarion University library and they were switching all the computers over to Windows, they wanted everyone to play solitare for a certain amount of time a day, to get used to the mouse. She actually got in trouble for not playing it enough (she had a computer at home and was perfectly used to the mouse, thankyouverymuch).

We all got hooked on Free Cell freshman year of college; it was packaged with the SPSS software we needed for our statistics classes. My roommate and I both played it for so long that when we closed our eyes at night, we saw the green background and cards. I used to be good at it, but I don't think I've really played it since then.

Do we all have solitare quirks, things we have to do, or else the game "won't work"? I have to keep my aces red-black-red-black, or black-red-black-red. Can't have two of the same color next to each other. When I was playing with the Sailor Moon deck, I had to keep Neptune and Uranus next to each other. And I can't flip over any cards until all the moves are made. No pulling down from the draw until after the flips; I just know if I prematurely pull down that red six, the next card I flip over will be the other red six, and I'll be kicking myself. Sometimes, when I'm on a particularly spectacular losing streak, I get the sense that the computer takes pity on me, and occasionally throws me an easy game, just to keep me hooked.

Computer solitare: drug of the masses
sailorzeo: (weird)
Not only am I still bored, but now I'm morose, a condition exacerbated by my dropping my bowl of comfort ice cream on the floor this morning.

I need to clean. Seriously. The kitchen disgusts me, and it takes a lot to disgust me, cleaning-wise. I'm working on reclaiming the guest room as a guest room and our bedroom as our bedroom, since it's been a month now that Matt and I've been sleeping in the guest room (ever since the waterbed sprung a leak and we slept in there while the patch was sealing). I have a guest coming in two weeks, and she'll need the guest room.

But while the flesh is willing to clean, the spirit is in a blue funk and just can't seem to handle the mounting mountain of dishes, laundry, and other varied and sundry cleaning duties. Matt's too tired to do any of it, between work, school and meeting. He'll try. But it doesn't last.

Add in medication that makes me feel like I constantly have to pee, and a growing obsession with having meals at the lake, and I am in a seriously weird state of mind. I don't want to deal with decisions. Even something as simple as, "Do you want broccoli on your pizza?" sets me off screaming, "I don't care, just make a freaking decision!!!" I know he's trying to be helpful, but I just want the pizza, I don't care what's on it anymore.

I need time off from work. A lot of time. Like two weeks. Two weeks where I can get this place together, plus get in some rest and hopefully not have to worry about anyone else's needs. Not going to happen, as I'm only part-time and don't have vacation time or anything, but it would be nice.

Morose

Apr. 16th, 2006 04:14 pm
sailorzeo: (crowbar)
I started to get my pattern together today to sew the pajamas I've been meaning to make, only to find I'm missing a pattern piece. That was the start of my downward spiral. I've been off my meds for a week, so my moods are a little wacky at the moment. Right now, I feel like nothing matters, nothing at all. We won't be able to get everything done before we have to leave, so why should we even bother? We're both going to be working long shifts to try to get in a decent week's pay, so we're both going to be exhausted when we get home, plus Matt has class Monday and Wednesday nights, so he won't be able to do anything then. We're going to be up so late on Wednesday night, trying to get all the last-minute stuff done that we're going to be exhausted come Thursday.

Matt's trying. He's working on the kitchen, trying to get me to help, but I want to work on So Now, except nothing's coming. Add in that it's been in the high 80's, temperature wise, and we're having a/c wars (I like it on, he keeps turning it off), and I am GRUMPY. I don't like heat. Well, I like it around 75. Anything over 75 I'm not too fond of. Yet I'm still looking forward to moving to Arizona. But AZ has less humidity. I am so screwed up in the head.

Going back to bed didn't help any, either. I'm just having a bad mental health day.
sailorzeo: (guhh matt)
Grrarghbangcrashpullyankriptearmutilatespindlefreakfreakfreakfreakfreakpulltearyuankyankpulltearyankcrashburncryscreambeatpoundmashpullyankcrybeatcrycrazyfreakfreakfreakfreakfreak

scream

scream

scream

cry.

In other words, still no word from Ellen. No answer, no online prescence. Still three days before I call her mom.

Freakfreakfreakfreakfreakfreakfreakfreakfreakcryscream

Yo-yo

Jan. 10th, 2006 09:18 pm
sailorzeo: (meadow face)
It's been an up and down week so far. Saturday at work was so frustrating, I was actually, literally beating my head against the desk. I have the sore spot and a fading bruise by my hairline to prove it. Sunday was sleep all day and STILL be tired. Monday...Monday I ended up going home from work early because I just couldn't handle all the little stressors. I nearly started crying when a booklet got stuck in the electric stapler, causing it to shoot six staples into one spot.

But today, for the most part, I was fine. No big. Extreme exhaustion around noon, but no flipping out, even when the register decided it was time for me to have a new password and totally locked up on me.

I'm starting to keep track of all my mental and physical issues so I can tell my doctor about it next time I see her. I think I may have to add "completely lost all sense of wording." I'm CONSTANTLY reading things wrong, thinking things are misspelled when they're not, and now misspelling or totally miswording things. I have an English degree, damnit! I should know better! But I don't, not this week anyway.

I'm also getting back on my multivitamins, back to the 8 or more cups of water a day, and curtailing my caffeine intake. I've had more coffee and pop/soda in the last month than I have in the past year, I think.
sailorzeo: (meadow face)
Everything just seems pointless, useless. I don't want to go to meetings anymore. What's the point? I know scripture says "do not be forsaking the gathering of yourselves together as some of you are wont to do," or something like that, but I just don't want the bother of getting dressed up and being with people. It's too loud, too crowded, too...not. I miss the small congregation in Columbiana. Thirty publishers. Cary Parkway, the congregation here, has over 100 publishers. So there are are least 100 people at the main meetings at the hall, and like 20 people in the book study. Not small. Painful. I go through stages where I can't stay the whole way through the meeting, it's just too crushing. Too many people, all asking the same questions and not listening to the answers.

Some days I just want to call in, or watch a prerecorded meeting at home. My nature is that of a hermit. I don't like leaving the house and being with people. They all say it's supposed to be uplifting. Not when it's that many people. It's a hardship. A burden. I don't deal well with burdens.

Now I feel bad, because I've flipped out at almost every meeting since my inlaws have come down. I only made it halfway through the first day of assembly (and even that half was rough), didn't even go the second day. I made it through book study, even commenting and volunteering to read verses, but didn't make it Thursday and today. Matt went out this morning, got me Sims 2 Uni and Nightlife. He was going to give them to me after meeting. I saw them on my keyboard when I came out of the bathroom (where I'd shut myself in: Thena refused to come off the closet shelf and that was the breaking point today) and almost started crying. I don't feel like I deserve them, because I've been so horrible all week. So they're sitting on the printer, mocking me.

I want to be normal. I don't want to feel like this, like there are parties at war in my head, trying to destroy my life. I want to get back into my studies, but until I come to grips with myself, they're at a standstill. I want to get help, but I can't afford it, especially now that we're insuranceless again.

Home shock therapy: someone drop a toaster in the tub with me.

I hate my brain, and I'm pretty sure it hates me, too.
sailorzeo: (meadow face)
I hate parties, loud people, too many food/cooking smells, people I don't know, small talk...the list goes on and on. We were supposed to go to friends. We went. As soon as I got there, I was ready to go home. I ended up fleeing, taking the car keys from Matt and going home, leaving him and his parents there.

Ahhh, blessed darkness, blessed quiet. Just me, my keyboard, and my best friend on IM.

Now that's a New Year's tradition I can handle.

Hmm

Dec. 25th, 2005 12:14 pm
sailorzeo: (science is cool)
I've heard of people using caffeine as a substitute for Ritalin. In fact, I know three people personally who do that (a former store manager and two friends). But I seem to use caffeine as Prozac....if I don't have some caffeine daily, whether as soda, coffee or Excedrin, I get _really_ out of whack. It could just be a chemical dependancy, but I don't know. I just know I have to have either a cup or two of coffee, a bottle or two of Diet Dr Pepper, or two Excedrin daily to keep me from self-destructing.

And for some reason, when I have bad mental health days (like today), I end up cleaning. Normally, I can't stand cleaning, but today, I've blasted through all the backed-up dishes (including the roaster from Thanskgiving: no, Ellen, it wasn't moldy. Not wet enough), put away some of the stuff my inlaws brought up, straightened up our bathroom, including gathering the trash from there, cleaned the toilet...and I'm thinking about making bread, sweet rolls, and/or cookies. Why? I don't know.

The only theory I have comes from the Alvin Maker books. When Alvin felt the Unmaker close by, he had to make something to push him back, to feel better. Maybe that's what I'm feeling: I missed meeting (I missed ASSEMBLY!), therefore I have to do something productive to justify missing meeting. Or maybe it's just, "I'm home alone, I can play my own music, be motivated at my own pace, and I won't be interrupted by anything I don't want to interrupt me." That's what got me through cleaning when Matt was at the dealership. He'd be gone from 8 am to 8:30 or 9 pm, so I'd have about 12 hours to get my list done. Now, that he's working and I'm working, he's gone usually from 4 am to 1 pm, and I'm gone either 8 am to 4 pm, 11 am to 7 pm, or 3 pm to 9 pm....so there's no more long stretches of time where I'm home alone, and awake enough to clean.

Side note: I am so in love with Bowling for Soup's video for "1985." Yeas, the song's a year old, but I never saw the video until a few months ago. Makes me giggle. :)
sailorzeo: (Default)
Second day of circuit assembly today. Yay. Whoopie. Another 2-hour car trip, then five hours or so of "uplifting" talks, then two hours in the car back home.

Can't I go back to bed?

ETA: I'm not going today. Matt's letting me stay home, as I was in a bad mental state yesterday, and woke up totally cranky and tired today. Part of that is the inlaws being here. I love my inlaws, but I just don't like having other people in the house. Sets me off instantly. I just want to be left alone. I don't want three people asking me, "Are you going to eat your muffin?" when I've already answered the damn question once, loudly. The answer hasn't changed.

I'm curled around my coffee mug like Gollum and his precious. Caffeine, sweet caffeine. I need something to make me sane, to keep me from snapping, from going off the cliffs of insanity once again.

I think I'll start the dishwasher and go back to bed. They'll all be gone until five or six, so maybe I can get some kitchen cleaning done.

See, Thursday, Matt kept telling me, "Oh, the parents won't be here until seven or eight tonight." Wrong. They left Ohio at FOUR IN THE FREAKING MORNING. So they were here at three in the afternoon. No warning. No time to get the kitchen fully cleaned. So there are still lots of dishes on the counters, and I know Matt gets annoyed that he can't get to the counters. I got annoyed this morning when I went to make coffee and had to bang and crash around to get to the coffee maker. Plus, the carafe decided it didn't want to pour straight today, so I got water all over the counter, and later coffee down the side of the cup as I tried to fill it.

I don't celebrate Christmas anymore, but if I did, I know what I'd be asking for. A heaping dose of sanity and mental well-being. But as a friend of mine pointed out, when you don't celebrate Christmas or birthdays, people don't tend to get you gifts. So no sanity for me this year. Unless once Matt gets some more certifications and can get his dream job with my dream insurance. Full mental health coverage would be a beautiful thing.

Oh, and Lime Shrimp Ramen sucks ass. Sort of tastes like it, too. And three-day-old Lime Shrimp Ramen definitely SMELLS like ass. I'm gonna go start the dishwasher and go back to bed.

Sigh

Dec. 4th, 2005 01:44 pm
sailorzeo: (meadow face)
My brain is problematic.

I went to meeting this morning. Had no trouble getting out of the car and going into the Hall. Made it through the first half, the public discourse, with no real trouble (well, other than the sister behind me alerting me to a small spider on the top of my head, which she helped me remove. Poor spider died in the process, though). Second half, the Watchtower study, I started getting bored.

Bored is not a good thing for me. I get bored, I get destructive. If I'm bored and I have a screwdriver (the tool, not the drink), things tend to come apart. In this case, however, no screwdriver. Not even a pen so I can scribble other things in the margins. There's nothing I can do but focus on how bored I am...and then I get frustrated. I start pulling on my hair, or scratching my arms, or hitting my palms. Matt recognizes these signs by now, so when I put my magazine on the chair next to me and leaned forward, hands digging in my hair, he got into his pocket and gave me the car keys.

Now, I have a notebook and pen in the car, primarily for recording gas mileage, but I also use it to scribble notes when I don't have my other notebook with me. So I started to scribble some ideas that were bugging me, but my intestines had other ideas. Didn't want to go back into the Hall to use their bathroom, so home it was. Now I need to head back there in a few minutes to pick Matt up.

I guess I just needed a more intriguing article today than "Jehovah is Our Shepherd." Sheep are annoying.
sailorzeo: (meadow face)
I already know the answer to that. I'm pretty sure the answer is yes, and not in a good way.

Today, Matt and I were going to meeting at the Kingdom Hall. I was more or less fine until we stepped out the door to go. Then I started getting anxious, and the closer we got to the Hall, the worse I got. In the parking lot, I couldn't even make myself open the car door. I was paralyzed with fear at the thought of going inside that building. I couldn't do it. I was almost in tears because I was terrified of going inside the Hall. Matt said it was okay, that I could stay in the car. He left the keys. Not even five minutes after he went inside, I had to get away from the building. Climbed over the center console into the driver's seat and tore out of there, coming home.

I'm still shaky and queasy. I know nothing in there will hurt me, that the people there care about me and are concerned about me, but I just could NOT go inside today. It felt so totally wrong today.

They just redecorated, and I'm wondering if that's part of the problem. The Hall doesn't look the same. It feels colder now, with the beige paint instead of the pink/maroon wallpaper.

When I get insurance again (grr on the switching jobs and having to wait three months), I need to see a psychiatrist or a psychologust, someone who can figure out what is wrong with my head and make it better. I don't like living life feeling like River Tam.

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