Zeo's Thoughts and Wanderings

The voices in my head always turn computer solitare into something else. For the longest time, it was a sort of red-vs-black mafia coverage. All the showing cards had to be one color or another (makes it real tough to win) Tonight, for some reason, it was thick, bad Spanish accents and ballroom dance. Don't ask; if I knew, I'd find a way to stop it.

It's almost like background noise anymore. I'm never really thinking "black ten on red jack." I'm sort of just listening to the absent chatter and hoping something clicks. Yammer yammer yammer no more moves, new game. Have to keep playing until I win. And I very rarely click all the cards up to the top, to get the fireworks. Once I know all the cards are out and in order, boom, I'm done. No need for aimless clicking.

I remember back in the days of Windows 3.0 or earlier, when my aunt was working at the Clarion University library and they were switching all the computers over to Windows, they wanted everyone to play solitare for a certain amount of time a day, to get used to the mouse. She actually got in trouble for not playing it enough (she had a computer at home and was perfectly used to the mouse, thankyouverymuch).

We all got hooked on Free Cell freshman year of college; it was packaged with the SPSS software we needed for our statistics classes. My roommate and I both played it for so long that when we closed our eyes at night, we saw the green background and cards. I used to be good at it, but I don't think I've really played it since then.

Do we all have solitare quirks, things we have to do, or else the game "won't work"? I have to keep my aces red-black-red-black, or black-red-black-red. Can't have two of the same color next to each other. When I was playing with the Sailor Moon deck, I had to keep Neptune and Uranus next to each other. And I can't flip over any cards until all the moves are made. No pulling down from the draw until after the flips; I just know if I prematurely pull down that red six, the next card I flip over will be the other red six, and I'll be kicking myself. Sometimes, when I'm on a particularly spectacular losing streak, I get the sense that the computer takes pity on me, and occasionally throws me an easy game, just to keep me hooked.

Computer solitare: drug of the masses

I started to get my pattern together today to sew the pajamas I've been meaning to make, only to find I'm missing a pattern piece. That was the start of my downward spiral. I've been off my meds for a week, so my moods are a little wacky at the moment. Right now, I feel like nothing matters, nothing at all. We won't be able to get everything done before we have to leave, so why should we even bother? We're both going to be working long shifts to try to get in a decent week's pay, so we're both going to be exhausted when we get home, plus Matt has class Monday and Wednesday nights, so he won't be able to do anything then. We're going to be up so late on Wednesday night, trying to get all the last-minute stuff done that we're going to be exhausted come Thursday.

Matt's trying. He's working on the kitchen, trying to get me to help, but I want to work on So Now, except nothing's coming. Add in that it's been in the high 80's, temperature wise, and we're having a/c wars (I like it on, he keeps turning it off), and I am GRUMPY. I don't like heat. Well, I like it around 75. Anything over 75 I'm not too fond of. Yet I'm still looking forward to moving to Arizona. But AZ has less humidity. I am so screwed up in the head.

Going back to bed didn't help any, either. I'm just having a bad mental health day.

It's been an up and down week so far. Saturday at work was so frustrating, I was actually, literally beating my head against the desk. I have the sore spot and a fading bruise by my hairline to prove it. Sunday was sleep all day and STILL be tired. Monday...Monday I ended up going home from work early because I just couldn't handle all the little stressors. I nearly started crying when a booklet got stuck in the electric stapler, causing it to shoot six staples into one spot.

But today, for the most part, I was fine. No big. Extreme exhaustion around noon, but no flipping out, even when the register decided it was time for me to have a new password and totally locked up on me.

I'm starting to keep track of all my mental and physical issues so I can tell my doctor about it next time I see her. I think I may have to add "completely lost all sense of wording." I'm CONSTANTLY reading things wrong, thinking things are misspelled when they're not, and now misspelling or totally miswording things. I have an English degree, damnit! I should know better! But I don't, not this week anyway.

I'm also getting back on my multivitamins, back to the 8 or more cups of water a day, and curtailing my caffeine intake. I've had more coffee and pop/soda in the last month than I have in the past year, I think.

I hate parties, loud people, too many food/cooking smells, people I don't know, small talk...the list goes on and on. We were supposed to go to friends. We went. As soon as I got there, I was ready to go home. I ended up fleeing, taking the car keys from Matt and going home, leaving him and his parents there.

Ahhh, blessed darkness, blessed quiet. Just me, my keyboard, and my best friend on IM.

Now that's a New Year's tradition I can handle.

Second day of circuit assembly today. Yay. Whoopie. Another 2-hour car trip, then five hours or so of "uplifting" talks, then two hours in the car back home.

Can't I go back to bed?

ETA: I'm not going today. Matt's letting me stay home, as I was in a bad mental state yesterday, and woke up totally cranky and tired today. Part of that is the inlaws being here. I love my inlaws, but I just don't like having other people in the house. Sets me off instantly. I just want to be left alone. I don't want three people asking me, "Are you going to eat your muffin?" when I've already answered the damn question once, loudly. The answer hasn't changed.

I'm curled around my coffee mug like Gollum and his precious. Caffeine, sweet caffeine. I need something to make me sane, to keep me from snapping, from going off the cliffs of insanity once again.

I think I'll start the dishwasher and go back to bed. They'll all be gone until five or six, so maybe I can get some kitchen cleaning done.

See, Thursday, Matt kept telling me, "Oh, the parents won't be here until seven or eight tonight." Wrong. They left Ohio at FOUR IN THE FREAKING MORNING. So they were here at three in the afternoon. No warning. No time to get the kitchen fully cleaned. So there are still lots of dishes on the counters, and I know Matt gets annoyed that he can't get to the counters. I got annoyed this morning when I went to make coffee and had to bang and crash around to get to the coffee maker. Plus, the carafe decided it didn't want to pour straight today, so I got water all over the counter, and later coffee down the side of the cup as I tried to fill it.

I don't celebrate Christmas anymore, but if I did, I know what I'd be asking for. A heaping dose of sanity and mental well-being. But as a friend of mine pointed out, when you don't celebrate Christmas or birthdays, people don't tend to get you gifts. So no sanity for me this year. Unless once Matt gets some more certifications and can get his dream job with my dream insurance. Full mental health coverage would be a beautiful thing.

Oh, and Lime Shrimp Ramen sucks ass. Sort of tastes like it, too. And three-day-old Lime Shrimp Ramen definitely SMELLS like ass. I'm gonna go start the dishwasher and go back to bed.

I already know the answer to that. I'm pretty sure the answer is yes, and not in a good way.

Today, Matt and I were going to meeting at the Kingdom Hall. I was more or less fine until we stepped out the door to go. Then I started getting anxious, and the closer we got to the Hall, the worse I got. In the parking lot, I couldn't even make myself open the car door. I was paralyzed with fear at the thought of going inside that building. I couldn't do it. I was almost in tears because I was terrified of going inside the Hall. Matt said it was okay, that I could stay in the car. He left the keys. Not even five minutes after he went inside, I had to get away from the building. Climbed over the center console into the driver's seat and tore out of there, coming home.

I'm still shaky and queasy. I know nothing in there will hurt me, that the people there care about me and are concerned about me, but I just could NOT go inside today. It felt so totally wrong today.

They just redecorated, and I'm wondering if that's part of the problem. The Hall doesn't look the same. It feels colder now, with the beige paint instead of the pink/maroon wallpaper.

When I get insurance again (grr on the switching jobs and having to wait three months), I need to see a psychiatrist or a psychologust, someone who can figure out what is wrong with my head and make it better. I don't like living life feeling like River Tam.