![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Depression
Jul. 13th, 2008 08:51 amAnd once again, I'm missing meeting today. I actually got as far as getting dressed and getting my shoes on before I just couldn't follow through.
I don't know why I've had such trouble these past few months. I'll be perfectly fine, and then either I'll get nauseated, or crampy, or just plain overheating, my mind will set off, and I just won't want to go.
And it gets compounded. I miss one meeting because of a legitimate illness. Then I know at the next one, someone will comment, "Oh, we missed you last time." And I hate that. I don't want to be noticed, and since I know someone will notice, I won't want to go. And then that just raises exponentially with every meeting I miss. I won't want to go because someone will comment, but that just means it'll be worse at the next one.
In general, I LIKE meetings. I like the talks, I like the studies, I like hearing the comments. But I just don't want to be noticed. I want to have a giant "Don't Touch Me, Don't Talk To Me" sign.
Witnesses, especially the sisters, are huggers. It's a way they show the familial love we feel in the congregation. I wasn't raised in a hugging family. I feel uncomfortable with hugs. I never know when to initiate them, and just sort of go stiffly through them when someone else initiates. But when I've been gone a while, I don't want to be hugged.
I scared myself today. I actually thought, "I almost wish I was disfellowshipped, because then no one WOULD talk to me or touch me." But it didn't scare me enough to get me off the toilet and on to meeting.
I don't like feeling this way. I know I have to go to meeting. Hebrews 10:24-25 says "And let us consider one another to incite to love and fine works, not forsaking the gathering of ourselves together, as some have the custom, but encouraging one another, and all the more so as YOU behold the day drawing near." Yet no matter how often I repeat that, I just can't seem to gather myself together and get to the Hall.
I keep saying, "I'll make the next one." But when the time comes, either I'm tired, or upset, or just plain not wanting to leave the house. I don't know if this is the gluten allergy acting up, or something else. Something more serious. I didn't like the antidepressants I was on; they made me woozy and not much less depressed. But I know I need to see a doctor soon for other reasons. Maybe once I get my body straightened out, the mind will follow.
I don't know why I've had such trouble these past few months. I'll be perfectly fine, and then either I'll get nauseated, or crampy, or just plain overheating, my mind will set off, and I just won't want to go.
And it gets compounded. I miss one meeting because of a legitimate illness. Then I know at the next one, someone will comment, "Oh, we missed you last time." And I hate that. I don't want to be noticed, and since I know someone will notice, I won't want to go. And then that just raises exponentially with every meeting I miss. I won't want to go because someone will comment, but that just means it'll be worse at the next one.
In general, I LIKE meetings. I like the talks, I like the studies, I like hearing the comments. But I just don't want to be noticed. I want to have a giant "Don't Touch Me, Don't Talk To Me" sign.
Witnesses, especially the sisters, are huggers. It's a way they show the familial love we feel in the congregation. I wasn't raised in a hugging family. I feel uncomfortable with hugs. I never know when to initiate them, and just sort of go stiffly through them when someone else initiates. But when I've been gone a while, I don't want to be hugged.
I scared myself today. I actually thought, "I almost wish I was disfellowshipped, because then no one WOULD talk to me or touch me." But it didn't scare me enough to get me off the toilet and on to meeting.
I don't like feeling this way. I know I have to go to meeting. Hebrews 10:24-25 says "And let us consider one another to incite to love and fine works, not forsaking the gathering of ourselves together, as some have the custom, but encouraging one another, and all the more so as YOU behold the day drawing near." Yet no matter how often I repeat that, I just can't seem to gather myself together and get to the Hall.
I keep saying, "I'll make the next one." But when the time comes, either I'm tired, or upset, or just plain not wanting to leave the house. I don't know if this is the gluten allergy acting up, or something else. Something more serious. I didn't like the antidepressants I was on; they made me woozy and not much less depressed. But I know I need to see a doctor soon for other reasons. Maybe once I get my body straightened out, the mind will follow.
