Zeo's Thoughts and Wanderings

Wow, haven't posted here in over 2 years.  I just...haven't felt the need.  I kind of wandered over to Tumblr and just fell in.

So, a quick update: lost my job in July.  Haven't found a new one yet, but I have an Etsy shop, Zeo's Soaps and Sundries, where I sell handmade soaps, lip balms, bath salts, and soon, cuticle oil.  I'm also running a GoFundMe campaign, trying to get a little extra money to help bridge the gap on weeks where sales are slow.

This week is full of soapmaking.  I have 13 more 2-pound batches I want to make, and I keep running out of ingredients.  Today, I ran out of lye, which is somewhat essential to making soap.  I have enough mango butter for one more, maybe two more batches.  I have some money coming in, so I'll be able to restock those ingredients, but dang, it's a fine balancing act I'm walking.  Once I get those soaps made and listed, I can breathe a little.

So, that's what I've been up to of late.  Anyone miss me?

Last night, I dreamt I had to go back to work at Staples, back in the environment I hated, until Office Max got back to me about a job.

Today, I got the call from Office Max. I'm hired. I go in tomorrow to fill out paperwork.

We need for me to go back to work. We need the second income. I'll be making $8.50 an hour, and though I'll be classified part-time, I could be working 40+ hours, which would make me the primary income-earner here (unless car sales pick up--he gets a $250 draw check 4 times a month. 40 hours at $8.50 would be gross $340 weekly). We'll have some financial leeway, be able to go to a second-run movie without breaking the bank (without popcorn or pop).

I know I need to do this, but I don't _want_ to do this. I am seriously depressed and about ready to cry because I'm going back to copy center work. Even the knowledge that it's at the largest Office Max in NC, that it's a hub store and I'm being hired primarily for the large scanning job they have now, I don't want to do it. It means having to meet new people again, and eventually having to do sales again. I hate sales. I really, _really_ don't want to do it. I just want to be left alone.

We've been barely scraping by on Matt's income. He makes about $1000 a month (base; if sales are good, he gets commission); our rent is $1005. Plus we have water, electric, phone and cable to pay, credit cards to pay down, my monthly prescription, my school loans that I haven't been able to even begin paying....

I feel awful about going back to work, and I feel awful that I feel awful. It's been nine months since I've had a job, and I've really liked not working. I don't want to go back into a stressful, painful, hateful environment. But Matt wants to go back to school, and he wants to get a different job. He wants to start at TechSkills by the end of the year. He can get a loan for that. They require you to spend 15-25 hours a week on campus. He can't do that at the dealership, working 50-odd hours a week.

The school program he's looking at is a year long. So I can maybe tell myself, "I just have to do this job for 14 months...once Matt graduates, he can get a GOOD job and I can stop working again." I don't plan to be working at Office Max when I'm thirty. I turn 28 this month.

Why couldn't I have been hired at the lingerie store back over the summer?